


Always In Their Thoughts

by mansikka



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Daylighter Simon Lewis, Everyone is Dead, Future Fic, Immortal Alec Lightwood, Immortal Magnus Bane, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV Alec Lightwood, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:05:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21902965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Alec sees the stooped figure standing in the graveyard, smiling fondly and deciding to observe from a distance for a while. This is a ritual for them of sorts, one with far more significance and weight to it for Simon than for Alec. So Alec likes to take his time before approaching for their yearly pilgrimage to the place where Simon's old life ended and his new one began.In which, Alec and Magnus help Simon reminisce over the loved ones they have lost - in particular, Raphael, whose loss Simon is finding harder than most this year.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Comments: 18
Kudos: 153
Collections: SHBingo





	Always In Their Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was for the Shadowhunters Bingo square _graveyard_. Sorry Toby.

Alec sees the stooped figure standing in the graveyard, smiling fondly and deciding to observe from a distance for a while. This is a ritual for them of sorts, one with far more significance and weight to it for Simon than for Alec. So Alec likes to take his time before approaching for their yearly pilgrimage to the place where Simon's old life ended and his new one began. 

Some years have been easier than others for them both; as with all things in life. It was Alec who had needed the most consoling for the passing of his siblings over the years, even on _this_ evening which is meant to be all about Simon. Simon has never once made him feel selfish for letting his own grief get the better of him in these moments. 

But in other years acknowledging the passage of time has been agonizing for Simon. The years when he heard of the deaths of his mother, then sister. The year Clary finally succumbed to old age after stubbornly holding on to outlive Jace. And Raphael, too, who held on longer than anyone imagined and whose passing hit Simon harder than anything. Alec likes to tease Simon about their relationship sometimes, just to see his face light up for sharing memories of Raphael. Alec has learned over the years that laughter whilst reminiscing is the only true way to keep alive all of those they've lost, without breaking himself in the process. 

This year, though, Alec isn't sure what will help. Simon has been particularly melancholy of late, talking with less enthusiasm, speed, and volume—about everything. Even yesterday evening, a night that's become Alec and Simon's weekly night where they watch some movies that are now considered _classics_ for being so old didn't raise a single smile. Alec had watched Simon out of the corner of his eye as Simon had watched the screen without seeing a thing. Even Magnus is out of suggestions, and it's usually Magnus who can lift anyone out of any mood. Alec sends a quick message to Magnus telling him he'll probably be late then quietly approaches Simon, knowing he senses him even if he doesn't stir.

"I think I can still feel the dirt under my nails, for clawing my way out of there," Simon says when Alec reaches him, eyes transfixed on his former grave. "Even after all these years."

"What are we now. 150 years? 160?" Alec says, knowing the answer exactly. It's 147 years since Simon became a vampire, which makes it 144 years since Alec and Magnus married, and 140 years since Alec became immortal himself. It's still so fresh in his thoughts some days, yet on others feels like several lifetimes ago. Giving Simon a reason to contradict him often pulls him out of moods like this, but he does nothing but shrug.

"Something like that." 

Alec nods, waving his hands in the practiced manner that will bring him the seating he is picturing; two old though sturdy wooden lawn chairs Simon saved from Clary's old loft that the two of them used to sun themselves on when they were kids. Alec snaps his fingers for blankets and cushions, taking a seat before summoning a drink for them both. Simon's gaze moves from the grave to the glass of bourbon now in his hand, taking a sip of it before he sits as well.

The two of them sit in silence as they have done many times on these chairs, quietly sipping at their drinks with Alec's attention mostly on discreetly observing Simon. When Simon looks around them at the graveyard, Alec does too, following his gaze back to the grave when it drops again. He listens to him sigh, says nothing as Simon fidgets to get comfortable, wordlessly tops up his glass when he drains it then does the same for his own. Alec has grown comfortable in the silence of doing nothing in his years, which Magnus teases is a bigger shock to his system than Alec learning to tolerate Simon's company. There were _years_ when Alec first became a warlock when it had felt impossible to keep still for wanting to experience everything at once.

Over the years, Simon has become a good friend to Alec; Alec can no longer pinpoint the moment when he stopped looking at Simon with fake disdain and instead did with open friendship and trust. Simon's relationship with Izzy had faltered after a couple of years of them being together, Izzy's ambition and dedication to her work more of a divide in their relationship than immortality would have eventually been. Alec might joke with him these days about how the two of them could never have been friends while Simon was dating his sister, yet they both know the truth of it. In the months after his and Magnus' wedding, and their subsequent move to Alicante, Simon had unexpectedly become someone Alec could count on for anything. It means as much to Alec today as it had at the time, and he'll never have any way to really repay him for it. So he'll sit here in this cold graveyard all night if he has to, so Simon knows he truly isn't alone in this world.

It was Simon, along with Andrew, who Alec had first begun to discuss his immortality with. Andrew's perspective Alec had expected to be the one to help him with his decision because of his relationshp with Lorenzo, yet it had been Simon who had helped him see the sense of it all. It had been Simon who had quietly talked to friends and family who took the news of Alec becoming a warlock particularly hard. It was also Simon who mercilessly teased Luke about his relationship with Maryse, firmly by Alec's side during that taunting. Which was quite a different conversation than _immortality_, yet Alec still feels is the one that they truly bonded over, still remembering the silent looks they'd shared at the time when their eyes had been bright with mischief and mirth.

Through changes within the Clave, various troubles brewing in the Shadow World, Alec's transition to warlock, and Magnus and Alec becoming parents, Simon has been resolutely by his side without asking for anything in return. For his effervescent personality at times, Simon also knows the perfect time to be silent; at least, with Alec he does, recognizing when Alec needs company but not words. There are times when it's Alec trying not to laugh for the look on Magnus' face when Simon talks his ear off. When that happens, Alec quietly involves Simon in mixing up ingredients for potions, letting his hands keep busy and slowly lowering the volume of his mouth. For which Magnus never fails to blow Alec a kiss in relief, giving him a wink of promise for when the two of them are alone again.

So for all these things, and so many others, Alec will be right here with Simon on this difficult night, for as many years as he needs him to be, and as long as each of these outings take. He'll talk, and laugh, and even pretend to argue with him if he needs it, or he'll do as he's doing now; wait in the quiet for Simon to find whatever he needs within him so he can talk.

"I don't regret any of it. Not for a second." 

Alec takes a sip of his drink without comment, knowing there is more to come.

"I'm not saying any of it gets any easier, obviously. If it _did_, we wouldn't be here now—and it would be unfair to the people we love now, wouldn't it? Saying that someday, we'd forget them without a second thought as well? But I can't look back at all we did, or had, with all the people we've loved in the world, and be sad about it. It doesn't feel fair to their memories, you know?"

Alec nods, deciding on which tactic is the best approach, absently filling up both their glasses again. "Every person we lost, I thought was the hardest one at the time. Every funeral I went to, I thought would be more painful than the last. And it was, in some ways, you know? Losing people _never_ gets any easier. I can't pretend there aren't some days I don't wake up from a dream that feels so real, I think they're all still here."

"I suppose they are in some ways; they always will be," Simon says, and without needing to ask Alec knows he's thinking of the descendants of their family and friends. Simon is particularly close to Clary and Jace's family, having promised Clary he would always look over them when she and Jace were gone. The family who will always be a reminder of their loved ones, and who will always keep their hearts filled with love. 

"You know. Jace was the one who put it clear in my head—about losing people. When he was first getting sick, and I didn't think I could stand losing him. He said that because Magnus and I would always be around to look after his children, and grandchildren—and _you_ would be, obviously—it was like he was never really going anywhere. That he'd really found a way to be with us forever, because of _them_. And that, because of everything we shared together, he wasn't really going anywhere at all. Because he would still be right here," Alec adds, prodding at his own temple. Sometimes he feels the ghost of his parabatai rune; particularly on his rare down days when the weight of the world gets a little much. In those moments, Alec always pictures Jace's teasing smile, feels the warmth of his affection and the clasp of his hand on his shoulder that always used to ground him when Jace was still alive. Alec is adamant Jace and everyone they cared about really is still with them, in some ways.

"Raphael, I swear, is still peering over my shoulder when I make tamales for Rosa's old nursing home," Simon says then with a soft smile. "I _know_ I can hear his _idiota_ every time I get something wrong in the kitchen. And far worse things, obviously. I miss that," he says, looking down at his own lap. "I miss that a _lot_."

That Simon and Raphael had fallen into a relationship when Raphael had been human again for a couple of years surprised everyone; Alec thinks Simon more than anyone. That they fit so easy, and that Raphael slipped back into their lives without any kind of difficulty, said everything it needed to about Simon and Raphael being together. Simon's comments now reveal it is Raphael's passing which is getting to him this evening more than anything, and Alec understands it isn't _him_ that can help Simon most tonight, but Magnus. He quickly sends Magnus a discreet message as Simon continues his study of his grave, absently sipping from his glass not even noticing when Alec tops it up yet again. 

Magnus arrives in minutes, bending for a quick kiss for Alec, then quietly moving around to stand by Simon's other side. Alec watches him look at their chairs and blankets, then ducks his head for Magnus summoning himself something far grander; a luxurious affair that looks more like an elaborate throne. He also summons extra blankets that he drapes across Alec's shoulders with a quick squeeze, then Simon's without comment, before curling up in his _chair_ like the cat Alec often accuses him of being.

"Several years before I knew either of you, Raphael and I spent the best part of a year together in Mexico," Magnus says without prompting, snapping his fingers for a cocktail that is one of Alec's favorites; a second glass of which materials down by Alec's chair leg when Magnus catches his eye. "At the time, Raphael was missing his life there something awful. We agreed that I would portal him back to visit Rosa once a week, and that we would spend our time in Mexico exploring anywhere he wanted us to, to relieve whatever he needed—within reason, of course. On arrival, Raphael told me in no uncertain terms that my Spanish was _awful_, and that the only way I would ever improve it would be to use the language. Which he then repeated when Alec and I moved to Alicante."

"When he moved into our spare room for two months and basically gave me a crash course to make me remember the Spanish I learned as a kid," Alec adds, smiling for the memory. Alec doesn't think he has ever seen _anyone_ happier than he'd seen Raphael that year, for sprawling out on a beach, soaking up the Alicante sun. 

"We only ever spoke in Spanish when we were together at home," Simon says with his own wistful smile. He then looks at his company and clears his throat before draining his glass again. "Tell me about Mexico?"

"Well," Magnus says, taking his turn to top up Simon's glass, "we visited just about every festival there is to attend in Mexico. At night, of course. Though my fondest memory is of us going to Carnaval in Veracruz. Raphael was an exceptional dancer," Magnus adds, which makes Simon let out a soft laugh.

Simon shares a story of them dancing together in their apartment. Magnus regales them with moments from the Carnaval, and festivals, and even some evenings when they did nothing but make their way through Mexico City after dark. He then shares older memories of Raphael from over the decades they knew one another before Simon and Alec had even been born. Simon's laughter is soft for all of it, taking some of the tension from his shoulders and giving him enough fuel to add more of his own memories of Raphael to their conversation.

"Remember that Fogueres de Sant Joan the two of you spent with us?" Alec says as the memory hits him of fireworks and the air filled with the smell of burning, ninots that Raphael spent most of his time making fun of, and parades where Raphael often disappeared into the crowds to dance. Simon's laughter rings out around the graveyard for sharing his own memories of that particular event, with Magnus then doing his best impersonation of Raphael scolding someone for being disrespectful outside of a church. Simon's eyes are bright when Alec looks at him now, filled with his more typical enthusiasm and excitement.

Their conversation falls to other people, though even when they speak of Luke, Maia, and so many others besides, Raphael is never far from their thoughts. He creeps into cherished moments for each of them. His thoughts and outlook echo on all of their lips as they talk through the night. Raphael is _with_ them, Alec thinks, picturing the scowl on his face that was forever ruined once he got to know him, for catching the dancing laughter in the corners of his eyes.

By the time Magnus is yawning, since his day started a good three hours before Alec's—and even earlier before Simon was roused from his bed—Simon's mood seems so much lighter. His voice is still soft when it's usually erratic, and his words more thoughtful like they aren't trying to all get out at once. But Alec is satisfied that Simon is coming back to them. And for the grateful look Simon gives them as they prepare to leave, Alec knows this evening has been exactly what Simon needed. He opens his arms for a hug unprompted, patting the back of Simon's head for his mumbled, _thank_ you before he pulls back.

"Did you know, that mine and Raphael's first official date, was at the Hunter's Moon?" Simon asks as they make their way out of the graveyard, Magnus snapping his fingers behind them to send their chairs, blankets, and glasses home.

"Really," Alec says with a _look_ he shares with Magnus as he slips his hand into his. 

"I think we spent the whole night trying to beat each other at pool," Simon adds with a fond smile of memory. Alec hides his own smile for Magnus squeezing his hand and _winking_ when he looks. "He was _so_ competitive. I didn't know if he was going to kiss me, or kill me. And he didn't even have _fangs_ by then."

"I might relate to that a little," Alec replies with a grin for Magnus. "Not the fangs thing. Though I do remember being offered fangs on _our_ first date."

"Werewolf," Magnus replies, nudging against Alec's shoulder. "Not vampire."

"Good for digestion," Alec mutters out the side of his mouth, watching Magnus throw his head back and laugh.

Simon is oblivious, for being lost in his own memories. His face is softer, far more at peace than Alec has seen all evening. Alec appreciates the silent moments between them, but watching Simon become animated again settles a relief over his heart.

"I hear it's under new management again. The Hunter's Moon," Simon says then, and Alec knows what's coming—as does Magnus, judging from the way he squeezes his hand. 

"Really, now," Alec says anyway, waiting for Simon to make the suggestion. 

"We could see what it's like?" Simon says after a long pause, his voice rising in hope. How could anyone refuse Simon anything when his eyes are so childlike as they are now?

"Lead the way," Alec says, clasping Simon on the shoulder, dropping his arm behind Magnus to drape around his waist and pull him close. The silence of earlier is replaced with raucous laughter as Simon keeps them entertained with tales of Raphael on the way. Their first toast in the bar is, as it should be, to Raphael. As Alec raises his glass, he makes a silent promise to him that they will always look out for Simon.


End file.
